I seem to have just woke up from the reoccurring nightmare that has been chasing the sleep away for several months now. When I'm awake reality sets in that this was no nightmare but true life, my life. So now that I find myself starting my life over at 30 something with two small children and an ex-husband, I'm often at a loss at what or how to achieve all I want out of life.
Unfortunately, I guess the best thing that has come out of this whole horrible divorce process is that I've been able to loose those last few pesky pounds left from being pregnant with my youngest daughter. I am learning to be positive and to try and forgive the people who have done wrong by me. This includes those who stood by and allowed all the abuse to continue (not that I would have listened to them though).
I was in love and when I married, I married til death do us part. But abuse is something that was not in my vows or original plans. It's something I couldn't allow to happen or continue in front of my two daughters. They had already seen too much at the point we were at (just hopefully too young to affect them). I know now I need to teach them how women are supposed to be treated and hopefully grow together to not only strengthen myself but the three of us and of course prepare the two of them so this never happens to them.
I know it may not seem like that big a deal, I mean everyone is getting a divorce nowadays, but this was a really hard decision for me. It didn't matter that I had suffered more bruises than I could count and immense emotional pain, it was still the hardest choice to walk away from everything I knew and was comfortable with. Knowing that i was not only losing my husband, best friend for years and also my co-parent, I felt lost. I basically did everything on my own anyway and obviously my husband and I had been growing farther apart for the past several years.
Through everything still I never thought our marriage would end and in the manner in which it disintegrated in a flash. I spent the week after in my house with my girls and my parents, crying and in a headache daze as I healed both physically and emotionally. I took all the right steps to protect my girls from the ugly truth and to also protect myself in the future so that I could be sure I would always be here for my children. My friends, (the very select few whom I told) were so amazing and supportive. They helped me realize I am strong enough to do anything and I'm going to be ok, even it takes me a while....